Erich Stauffer

Category: Writing

  • Post No Signs

    Why do it for the lulz?

    “Sign Lulz” was a web site dedicated to capturing funny signs wherever they may be. The term “lulz” refers to the plural form of “lol”, which stands for “laugh out loud”. Sign Lulz was published by Cost Publishing, a division of Watershawl, Inc.. I’ve since moved all of the funny signs to a category of The SDN.

    The logo was from a a sign that hung on the Wan Shi Da Bakery across from the Pui Tak Center in The Armour Square area of southern Chicago, otherwise know as Chinatown, Chicago. The picture in the logo was taken in 1997, but you can see a more recent version of the sign on Flickr, which was taken on April 8, 2006.  However, according to what we can see on Google Street View, the sign has been removed (but no signs have been posted!).

    Across from the Wan Shi Da Bakery to the north is the Pui Tak Center on South Wentworth Avenue, which is a great community center. It is run by the Chinese Christian Union Church and have lots of programs to offer. Many student fellowships are held in this center. Volunteers tutor reading and math after school and on the weekends in addition to the English as a second language classes for adults.

    Further south on South Wentworth Avenue is the actual Chinese Christian Union Church, which is one of the few Christian churches in the Chinatown area. The church serves as a preschool center as well. The children there love to play with the toy Godzilla. It is their favorite toy.

  • Free First Chapter of a Time Travel Romance, Time Tempest

    This is the first chapter of my first book, which is a story about time travel and growing up into the future called Time Tempest.

    It’s currently available on Amazon for the Kindle.

    Here’s an excerpt from the story:

    “Charlie jumped out of the front seat and into the back. Almost before he grabbed the old, yellow photograph with white edges, he noticed something peculiar about the contents of the photograph. It was a picture of him, wearing the same green shirt with white sleeves and a ketchup stain at the bottom. Charlie’s mind started racing. “Who took this picture?” Charlie started backing away from the car, still holding onto the picture. “Who are the other people in this photograph? When did this happen?” Charlie, almost in a panic, ran towards the door. He shoved the picture in his book bag and ran to school, suddenly unsure of what was going to happen next.” (more…)

  • My First Day of Work After Quitting My Day Job

    I’m on a boat!

    While I started my own business in 2007, I have been working full time since 2001 doing various things for banks and other institutions. However, my heart was almost never in the work I was doing. I was doing it, but without joy. Eventually, I didn’t feel right thinking about my ‘other life’ for most of the time while I was at my day job and so on August 1, 2011 I quit my day job.

    There were various reasons for doing this, but none of them involved having a plan or saving up an emergency fund. I had trained and outsourced every function of my job until there was nothing left of my own job to do – and nobody noticed – so I left to grow my side business into my full-time business.

    This is a story of how I spent my first day after quitting my day job

    The first thing I did was to make a schedule of tasks. I came up with a rough outline for how I thought I would spend my days. It didn’t include time for service calls or meetings with clients, but since everything I do is modular, I can just pick back up after going to do one of those things: (more…)

  • Introducing My Latest Endeavor: Cost Publishing

    Cost Publishing Media Group, or Cost Pub for short, is a collection of personal blogs, informative web sites, and web directories. This extensive content network’s mission is to filter and codify information relative to each web site’s respective topic. All blogs, web sites, and directories are free to read and use and readers are encouraged to subscribe to RSS feeds and follow them on Twitter and Facebook. Each site will eventually have its own Tumblr site, which is an up-and-coming social network you’ll be hearing about more in the future and ebooks, or digitions, are a natural next step for this market.

    Cost Pub is dedicated to relevant, insightful writing that is kept fresh and up to date on a regular basis. We are proud of what Cost Pub has accomplished and where it is going as a platform and network. They only work with the most talented writers so if you know of anyone who may be interested in joining their team, let the editor at Cost Publishing Media Group know by sending in a note at their contact page on their web site. Guest blogging opportunities are also available both at one of Cost Pub’s web sites or blogs and by our writers on your web site or blog. We look forward to seeing what Cost Pub can do and enjoy reading daily.

  • Al Gore, Time Traveler

    On June 15 DARPA sent Al Gore back in time and after successfully inventing the internet and global warming he struggled to find a way back to the future. Eventually he discovered that he only had to travel near the speed of light in order for Earth time to pass much more quickly than his relative time. All he had to do was build a ship capable of these speeds. Luckily he was able to tweak a plasma jet to run on hot air, easily providing plenty of energy for the 22 minute flight.

    Al Gore Leaves the Lime Light to Open ‘Big Al’s Flower Shop’ in East New Jersey

    Al Gore, faced with impending financial scrutiny from the new financial bill exits Palo Alto’s Capricorn Investment Group LLC and London-based Generation Investment Management to start a flower delivery shop in New Jersey, “Just to see people’s faces,” when he delivers them flowers.

    Attack of the Known Clones

    As soon as Al Gore started blaming his clone for the events two years ago, news agencies began questioning the authenticity of his story, but despite national security concerns, Gore admitted that the government routinely clones high-level officials, “kind of like they do in that movie, The Island,” Gore said. Gore can only imagine that it was this clone that escaped from it’s holding facility and forced that poor girl to do whatever it was he forced her to do. No matter what happens, Gore is going to get to the bottom of this. The government has yet to comment on these revelations, but we expect for Gore to be discredited at their earliest convenience. As a citizen, however, I am pleased that the government takes such back-up precautions, even if they can get quite out of control.

    An Interview with Al Gore

    The SDN caught up with former Vice President and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Al Gore, in his local flower shop to ask him a few questions while he trimmed the petunias.

    SDN: Mr. Vice President, thank you for speaking with us. May I call you Al?

    GORE: Thanks for stopping by, I do enjoy reading The SDN, but no, you can’t call me Al. I prefer to be called sir.

    SDN: Yes, sir, I’d like to start this conversation off by avoiding some of the recent legal issues you are facing and instead focus on something I believe you’re passionate about, and that’s climate change.

    GORE: Yes, your readers know that I am innocent, that it was merely a case of mistaken identity, but I’m positive that I will be vindicated once I can find and bring my clone to justice. By the way, that looks delicious. What are you eating?

    SDN: Oh, it’s an egg and cheese sandwich on raisin bread. My wife made it for me. I have to eat like every two hours or else I get sick.

    GORE: Well I’ll tell you what makes me sick is this oil spill.

    SDN: Yeah, that’s weird, huh?

    GORE: I’ve heard they may have it corralled by this weekend.

    SDN: Yeah, right, we’ll see. You’ve got to be loving this heat wave the east coast has been getting, though, eh?

    GORE: Oh yeah, I sell many more books and DVDs each time the temperature rises above 88 in New York City, it’s kind of like the flux capacitor for me. Plus the flowers there have all been wilting so business is booming.

    SDN: Well your flowers look great. I’m glad to hear your shop is doing well, but I’d like to get back to climate change. You’ve brought up a lot of problems our planet currently faces, but have you put any thought into possible solutions?

    GORE: No, that’s for scientists to figure out. What I do is read magazines, watch television shows, and movies, then let other people know what is going on so that they will pay me to come speak at their school.

    SDN: Are you aware of what some of these scientists you speak of are currently saying about some of these problems and possible solutions?

    GORE: Well I do read the SDN.

    SDN: Okay, so you are aware that methane gas is actually a bigger problem than carbon dioxide when it comes to heating the planet and by simply eliminating all cattle we could cool the earth at least 2 degrees Fahrenheit?

    GORE: Well, I’d rather be hot than live in a world without beef.

    SDN: And you’re aware that by simply replacing every tree that is cut down, we could eliminate more carbon dioxide in the air than by stopping all automobile traffic worldwide?

    GORE: But I don’t make any money planting trees. I make money selling flowers and carbon credits.

    SDN: So is this all about the money, then?

    GORE: If I can get paid for doing what I am passionate about, so be it.

    SDN: But when confronted with facts and data, why turn a blind eye?

    GORE: I’m not turning a blind eye, but I do see a couple of plants in the window that need turned, excuse me.

    Al Gore Announces He’s Running for a 3rd Term in 2012

    We caught up with Al Gore at his flower shop in New Jersey where he spoke to us about his recent decision to run for Vice President again in 2012. “I haven’t decided who my running mate will be, but I’m leaning towards Sarah Palin.” He then puts the back of his hand near his face and whispers to me, “She’s hot, like the globe.”

    “Sarah Palin is Republican. Are you planning on on switching parties?” I ask.

    “Oh, then Nikki Haley,” Gore replied.

    “Nikki Haley is also a Republican.” I respond.

    “Oh, then yes. I am.”

    Al Gore Travels Through Time to Rescue Legacy

    September 11, 2010 was a devastating day for Al Gore. The USA Today proclaimed, “School named after Al Gore was built on toxic soil.” What was to become of his legacy? 2010 was a rough year for Gore. In June DARPA sent him back in time where he had to travel back to the future only to find himself replaced by a clone who had allegedly committed crimes in his place. After fixing the space time continuum and outing his clone, Al returned to his flower shop only to find out that the school named after him had been built on toxic soil. “That was the last straw,” he said, and like a donkey under a heavy load, he fell prostate on the ground, weeping where his tears cooled the earth and saved us from global warming. People around the world (and in Mexico) rejoiced and Al Gores legacy was restored!

  • Waking Up to an EMP

    You wake up in the morning as the sun hits your face.  You check the clock and see that the electricity has gone out and you start to panic, wondering what time it is.  You reach for your cell phone to check the time and call your boss, but it too is off.  Attempts to turn it back on fail so you go to turn on your laptop to check the time there and see what is going on.  When your laptop fails to start you start to wonder what is actually going on so you go outside to your car.  Many of your neighbors are standing outside talking to one another.  That’s odd, you think to yourself, but they’re probably just asking each other about the power outage.  You get in the car to check the time and listen to some news on the radio, but when you turn the key, nothing happens.  That’s when it hits you.  There’s been an EMP and the world has changed overnight.

    Immediately your thoughts switch to survival mode.  The bicycle on your front porch just became one of the most valuable vehicles on the block.  The water in the tower won’t last long once everyone realizes what is going on.  Good thing there are no modes of communication so as long as your mouth shut you can take advantage of other peoples ignorance.  You use your credit card at the gas station to purchase non perishable foods and propane tanks.  Since the electricity is down they have converted to swiping carbon copies.  A lot of good that will do you say to yourself.  Meanwhile you head back and fill your bathtub up with water and wonder how you are going to communicate with your family members to let them know what’s going on.  The very satellites used to detect electromagnetic pulses from the sun or an atomic explosion have been taken out.  All cell phone and land lines are down. The power grid is toast.  Even natural gas has stopped  flowing as electric pumps have failed.

    Welcome to the apocalypse.

  • The New Normal

    You might have heard the term, “The New Normal” being cast around, but what does it all mean?  I can only assume it means that in this post-war on terror, post-recession era that profit and cash is now more important than credit.  Bankruptcy is normal.  Terms like First, Second, and Third-world countries no longer apply (The Internet, Ireland, China, and Greece have all turned things updside down).  And most importantly, we have had an entire generation grow up fully connected via cell phone, the Internet, and Facebook.  We’ve had our own Great Depression (widely described as The Great Recession), our own Pearl Harbor (9/11), and our own Industrial Revolution (The Information Age).  We are entering into a civic cycle more connected with the world and to each other than we have ever been.  We know who died out of a country with more than a billion people within minutes of its occurrence.  If we want to write Oprah a quick note, we just log onto Twitter and type @Oprah.  Our former president, George W. Bush now has a Facebook account–and so does your parents.  This is the new normal.  Get used to it.

  • Every Vote Counts

    A guest post by Joe O’Banion.

    I was in a public office for almost 20 years, which necessitated the running for office every so often.

    During one campaign, I was greatly embarrassed with one episode concerning the placement of some of my yard campaign signs. I asked a good acquaintance of mine if he would place one of my signs in his yard. He agreed and even asked me for four signs so that he could place them in other peoples yards that he knew would be supportive.

    I told him that I was going to go to the local cemetery to visit a grave site and that when I finished, I would drop by his home and leave the signs for him. He told me that he also, was going to the cemetery as well and that he would meet me there.

    I put four of my signs in the back of my car and drove to the grave of my youngest son, Kevin.

    As I was getting out of the car, my friend with his pick up truck pulled up behind us. As I was unloading the signs from the back seat of my car, I had removed two and rested of them against my car and went about getting the remaining signs out, when another friend of mine, happened to be driving by as well.

    He stopped his car, rolled down his window and yelled, “Joe, how many votes do you think you will be getting from here? This is not Cook County Illinois.”

  • Soap Sally

    My wife and I operate a photography business where we do a lot of work restoring, copying, duplicating, and repairing old photographs, which is usually brought to us by a member of the family. The important part of the photograph most every time is an image of a family predecessor. Parts of the image could be missing, damaged to a slight or greater degree and the customer wants a much better picture, usually to be hand painted when completed.

    On a fine summer day, a man comes into the studio and shows me a picture of his father, sitting in a chair on a front porch, surrounded by all his seven children.

    The man spent the next hour and a half telling me of his father, the town and how he grew up with his brothers and sisters in a small, rural, Georgia town with a population about one hundred people.

    The photograph was of a smiling man, sitting on a front porch in a straight back chair, wearing bib overalls, and surround by all of his seven children. Each child . . . had a very big smile, some standing, some sitting on the porch but each one, in some manner was touching their father. The tallest ones in back had an arm around his neck, two shorter ones were beside the chair, their arms entwined around his and leaning on him; one that was sitting had their upper arm in his lap, a young girl had her arms around his leg with her head resting on a knee. Another child on the other side likewise was doing the same thing. Two sitting in front were leaning back against his legs.

    The man explained that their mother had died and his father had taken care of all the brothers and sisters by himself. “We all had a good time growing up in that town, didn’t know we were very poor but we knew we were very lucky because our Daddy had a job and went to work every day, except Sunday when we all went to church.”

    They were poor! None of the clothing they wearing in the picture appeared to be new or seemed to fit. Sleeves were too short or too long and rolled up. Overall legs of those standing seem to be turned up to different lengths and showed previous fold over marks where that had been worn by previous owners through the years.

    They all looked clean. The father’s white shirt was ironed but not starched and give you the idea that it was old and had been washed many times. His overalls were thread bear in places, holes at the knees because of use and not because of fashion.

    “We were soooo good. Everyone in town knew us and watched us. Our daddy would come home and tell us what we had done or been into that day.” The eyes in the back of his head were excellent and saw everything, even though he had to have a strong light to read. It was not until I was older that we realized the people in the whole town were in on everything.

    “There was one place where we were not go and definitely not too do if we got there. That was the swimming’ hole down by the crick not too far from our house. It also was not too far from Soap Sally’s place where she did the wash for the whole town.

    “If we went to the swimming’ hole and our sisters went with us so very few times did we skinny dip. The creek water with that red Georgia clay left our clothes tinted red. We never could figure out how our dad knew we went swimming’.

    “Soap Sally did our wash for us and the whole town, for those who could afford to do so. I realize now that we could not really afford it, but Daddy worked long and hard and he did not really have time to do it ourselves.

    “Soap Sally’s place was on the top of a hill near the swimin’ hole. She had at least three big black kittles in her front yard where she did the town wash. There were many long clotheslines with crossed supports everywhere to hold the lines and wash up. It seems she washed day and night for when it was dark, you could see the fire and embers burning under the big kettles. It was a pretty sight on a windy day to see everything of all colors whipping in the breeze.

    “When she delivered our wash to the house, when we kids were there, we would hide behind the posts on the front porch, peek through the curtains in the house or through the doorway. We even hid behind our dad and peek around him when she was there.

    “One of the known facts in town was that all boys and girls had to be good because, if any boy or girl who was not good were sold to Soap Sally. If they were very bad, they wouldn’t be sold, they were given to her. When she got them, she would take them home, put them in one of her hottest and biggest kittles, and make soap from them.

    “None of the kids in our town really every got into any trouble. Most all of them grew up, worked very hard, and did well. A few really accomplished a lot with very little to begin with. One of my brothers and one of my sisters even went to college. My brother became a lawyer, but we still loved him, and my sister was a nurse. My eldest brother became a car salesman, we still loved him too, and he had a car repair business as well.

    “It was a good time for all of us. It was a good town as well. When we get together, we would talk and reminisce.”