Al Gore, Time Traveler

On June 15 DARPA sent Al Gore back in time and after successfully inventing the internet and global warming he struggled to find a way back to the future. Eventually he discovered that he only had to travel near the speed of light in order for Earth time to pass much more quickly than his relative time. All he had to do was build a ship capable of these speeds. Luckily he was able to tweak a plasma jet to run on hot air, easily providing plenty of energy for the 22 minute flight.

Al Gore Leaves the Lime Light to Open ‘Big Al’s Flower Shop’ in East New Jersey

Al Gore, faced with impending financial scrutiny from the new financial bill exits Palo Alto’s Capricorn Investment Group LLC and London-based Generation Investment Management to start a flower delivery shop in New Jersey, “Just to see people’s faces,” when he delivers them flowers.

Attack of the Known Clones

As soon as Al Gore started blaming his clone for the events two years ago, news agencies began questioning the authenticity of his story, but despite national security concerns, Gore admitted that the government routinely clones high-level officials, “kind of like they do in that movie, The Island,” Gore said. Gore can only imagine that it was this clone that escaped from it’s holding facility and forced that poor girl to do whatever it was he forced her to do. No matter what happens, Gore is going to get to the bottom of this. The government has yet to comment on these revelations, but we expect for Gore to be discredited at their earliest convenience. As a citizen, however, I am pleased that the government takes such back-up precautions, even if they can get quite out of control.

An Interview with Al Gore

The SDN caught up with former Vice President and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Al Gore, in his local flower shop to ask him a few questions while he trimmed the petunias.

SDN: Mr. Vice President, thank you for speaking with us. May I call you Al?

GORE: Thanks for stopping by, I do enjoy reading The SDN, but no, you can’t call me Al. I prefer to be called sir.

SDN: Yes, sir, I’d like to start this conversation off by avoiding some of the recent legal issues you are facing and instead focus on something I believe you’re passionate about, and that’s climate change.

GORE: Yes, your readers know that I am innocent, that it was merely a case of mistaken identity, but I’m positive that I will be vindicated once I can find and bring my clone to justice. By the way, that looks delicious. What are you eating?

SDN: Oh, it’s an egg and cheese sandwich on raisin bread. My wife made it for me. I have to eat like every two hours or else I get sick.

GORE: Well I’ll tell you what makes me sick is this oil spill.

SDN: Yeah, that’s weird, huh?

GORE: I’ve heard they may have it corralled by this weekend.

SDN: Yeah, right, we’ll see. You’ve got to be loving this heat wave the east coast has been getting, though, eh?

GORE: Oh yeah, I sell many more books and DVDs each time the temperature rises above 88 in New York City, it’s kind of like the flux capacitor for me. Plus the flowers there have all been wilting so business is booming.

SDN: Well your flowers look great. I’m glad to hear your shop is doing well, but I’d like to get back to climate change. You’ve brought up a lot of problems our planet currently faces, but have you put any thought into possible solutions?

GORE: No, that’s for scientists to figure out. What I do is read magazines, watch television shows, and movies, then let other people know what is going on so that they will pay me to come speak at their school.

SDN: Are you aware of what some of these scientists you speak of are currently saying about some of these problems and possible solutions?

GORE: Well I do read the SDN.

SDN: Okay, so you are aware that methane gas is actually a bigger problem than carbon dioxide when it comes to heating the planet and by simply eliminating all cattle we could cool the earth at least 2 degrees Fahrenheit?

GORE: Well, I’d rather be hot than live in a world without beef.

SDN: And you’re aware that by simply replacing every tree that is cut down, we could eliminate more carbon dioxide in the air than by stopping all automobile traffic worldwide?

GORE: But I don’t make any money planting trees. I make money selling flowers and carbon credits.

SDN: So is this all about the money, then?

GORE: If I can get paid for doing what I am passionate about, so be it.

SDN: But when confronted with facts and data, why turn a blind eye?

GORE: I’m not turning a blind eye, but I do see a couple of plants in the window that need turned, excuse me.

Al Gore Announces He’s Running for a 3rd Term in 2012

We caught up with Al Gore at his flower shop in New Jersey where he spoke to us about his recent decision to run for Vice President again in 2012. “I haven’t decided who my running mate will be, but I’m leaning towards Sarah Palin.” He then puts the back of his hand near his face and whispers to me, “She’s hot, like the globe.”

“Sarah Palin is Republican. Are you planning on on switching parties?” I ask.

“Oh, then Nikki Haley,” Gore replied.

“Nikki Haley is also a Republican.” I respond.

“Oh, then yes. I am.”

Al Gore Travels Through Time to Rescue Legacy

September 11, 2010 was a devastating day for Al Gore. The USA Today proclaimed, “School named after Al Gore was built on toxic soil.” What was to become of his legacy? 2010 was a rough year for Gore. In June DARPA sent him back in time where he had to travel back to the future only to find himself replaced by a clone who had allegedly committed crimes in his place. After fixing the space time continuum and outing his clone, Al returned to his flower shop only to find out that the school named after him had been built on toxic soil. “That was the last straw,” he said, and like a donkey under a heavy load, he fell prostate on the ground, weeping where his tears cooled the earth and saved us from global warming. People around the world (and in Mexico) rejoiced and Al Gores legacy was restored!

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